He’s sitting there, directly across from me, half-asleep,
with his dopey face drooping and bobbing, fighting to stay awake. Early
twenties, young and fresh face, snake tattoos covering his left arm and that
distinct scar, the one right under his eye. That’s what gave him away, alerted
the cops and put him right here, sitting amongst the commotion of the courtroom
and the pounding of the gavel.
He’s sitting there without a care in the world, as if he
hasn’t done a single thing wrong. As if he hasn’t taken away something
precious. He’s sitting there, and I hate him now more than ever. Because I
finally get to see him up close, twenty feet away. The man who took her away
from me. My motherhood gone, in a blink of an eye.
He, who is sitting there, begins to stare at his hands,
turning them over and over, curling his fingers into his palms. I stare at them
too. I wonder if they looked the same that day, as he was stabbing and
stabbing, covered in flecks and spatters of her blood. They may look clean now,
but he hasn’t washed his hands of anything.
Suddenly, he looks up and begins to stare at me. Those eyes,
without a soul, black and cold, looking right at me. And the judge, with his
kind Southern drawl, finally speaks:
“Guilty”.
And so he, who sits there, sits no more. Becomes an unmarked
grave, a body bag with no name in the prison morgue. There are no respects paid
to him, no funeral procession and weeping souls, no roses on his grave. Just
one mother’s justice to keep him company.
This micro-story succeeds very well at becoming a full world in just a few paragraphs. I think you find a good balance of giving some details but withholding others--nice job. The line that I liked the best: "They may look clean now, but he hasn’t washed his hands of anything."
ReplyDeleteGaby,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very concise story, but is super clear and effective. I know exactly what is going on in your story. Even in the small amount of words you used, there is an introduction, body, and ending, without pushing them, it seems effortless. I would end my comment with saying my favorite line of your piece, but Ms. Howard has already pointed it out. The contrast and immediate transition from blood stained hands to clean ones is powerful. I like the irony that you present with his hands just looking clean, but really being dirty underneath their spotless exterior. Good work!
Awesome story and you fit the whole plot into the constraints of a micro story perfectly. The first paragraph really grabbed my attention. It's very descriptive and I liked how you used the commas. It sounds and flows much better than saying, "He's young. He has a fresh face. He has snake tattoos covering his left arm," etc.
ReplyDeleteGaby, first of all, great story!! It's really amazing how a story so short can give so much information. I thought that the tone of disgust and hatred really helped portray the narrator even when you didn't describe him much in the text. As for the criminal, there are only physical features mentioned, but it's good enough for the readers to interpret how he is as a person. I really don't think it could have been any better. Great job!!
ReplyDelete